My face may be different
But my feelings the same
I laugh and I cry
And I take pride in my gains
I was sent here among you
To teach you to love
As God in the heavens
Looks down from above
To Him I'm no different
His love knows no bounds
It's those here among you
In cities and towns
That judge me by standards
That man has imparted
But this family I've chosen
Will help me get started
For I'm one of the children
So special and few
That came here to learn
The same lessons as you
That love is acceptance
It must come from the heart
We all have the same purpose
Though not the same start
The Lord gave me life
To live and embrace
And I'll do it as you do
But at my own pace

Who is Lauren Potter?

        A friend told me Lauren Potter was coming to Alaska to do a speech and a meet & greet. To be honest I had no idea who she was. I was asked "Don't you watch Glee?" The answer was no. I saw the TV show being talked about on about every channel but didn't pay much attention. My friend told me that Lauren has Down Syndrome and she is a famous Actress. I began to be curious, so of course I Googled her. Instantly I became inspired, and admired her sweet face.
         On this show she wasn't a girl with special needs, she was rather mouthy, and funny. I loved it! I continued to research saw videos of her outgoing personality and awareness commercials her mom. Instant eye opener. I thought to myself what an inspiration, it was great to see such a positive look on Down Syndrome when I have quickly noticed only the bad is ever mentioned.
         My husband, myself and our two boys went to the meet and greet. The speaker announced Lauren, she walked out with her mom right behind her. She was short, a little round face, a big smile and a small voice. She couldn't see over the podium but she didn't care. She read her speech with complete confidence. Afterwards she answered questions. SHE LOVED THE ATTENTION! She was asked questions and if she didn't understand the question her mom would help her. At one point Lauren said "Im sorry about my mom, shes a mom that's what she does." she was referring to her answering some questions.
         A lady wanted to ask Lauren's mom a question about Lauren being bullied and how she went about to teach Lauren to deal with it. Lauren says " my mom taught me that enough is enough, If you cant say something nice, don't say anything at all." Lauren's mom took the mic and started talking about her experiences as a mom and how hard some situations were for her. My ears were open to what she had to say because I feared when my baby would be bullied.Her mom started naming all the positive things about Lauren "Well you can see she is nice, polite, friendly, outgoing...." Lauren grabbed the mic and said "Dont forget Smart mom." ha ha her mom replied back and said " and very humble."
        I was soaking it all in as I was looking around, the room was full of people with smiles on their faces admiring Lauren, not because of her disability but of so much more. I could see that Lauren was pushed to her full potential from her mom, and I am going to do everything I can to push Mason to his.
         After all the questions Lauren was ready to do meet and greets. We stood in line. Lauren looked up from signing her autograph, looked our direction and said "oooooo hiiiiiii!" at first my husband and I looked around curious to  who she was talking to. She continued to bat her eyes, and wave in a very flirty manner. Then it hit me, she was hitting on my husband!!!! hahaha. He instantly turned red, and looked down as  everybody looked his direction. She looked at me and said  " Wait Is that your husband?" I laughed and nodded.
         Her mom soon came over to us and apologized. She instantly asked how old Mason was, I told her and I told her that he had Down Syndrome. She looked at him differently, and became more interested in talking to Mike and I. We felt very comfortable and was asking questions about Lauren growing up, health issues, and any advice she could give us.
        She looked at us and said "Let him lead the way! Dylan is going to be a BIG help because Mason will want to do everything Dylan can do and it will keep Mason motivated." She told us Lauren was walking by 2 years old, which the doctors told her she wouldn't be walking until closer to 4. She told us to educate ourselves, and surround us with people who are going through the same thing or have went through the same experiences. She gave us her phone number, and email told us to call her with any questions and if we were ever in California to give her a call and we could meet up. This was the first person we ever talked to who had a kid with Downs. There was no judgement, complete understanding, and most of all she didn't feel sorry for us. One of the first things she said to us was "I'm going to tell you Congratulations because I'm sure all you got was questions, and "I'm Sorry" so... CONGRATULATIONS you two." It meant a lot to us because she hit the nail on the head with that statement.
        I have quickly learned to shrug off what people say, and try not to take things personally. I continue to learn, grow, and keep pushing through. I want nothing but the best for my son and there is no stopping no matter how hard things get.
        Lauren's mom told her daughter that Mason had Down Syndrome. Lauren grabbed my son and started kissing on him and telling him how great and special he was. We captured that moment on camera.  She wrote on her picture "I love you, Lauren" We put the picture in a frame and she will always be an inspiration to our family.
     

     

Journey of Mason: Welcome to Holland

Journey of Mason: Welcome to Holland: "This was shared with me today, It hit right on the nail of how I feel so I thought I would Share. Thanks Shaun. Welcome to Holland By E..."

Welcome to Holland

This was shared with me today, It hit right on the nail of how I feel so I thought I would Share. Thanks Shaun. 

Welcome to Holland
By Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.
It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands.
The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy!
I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland. 

"Mrs. Killion the test results for down syndrome came back and...."

           Nursing my little man, rocking him I looked up and saw Masons doctor talking to his nurse, they started walking my way. The doctor didn't speak English well so when she started talking all i heard was " results,fish,and yes" I looked directly at my nurse with a confused look on my face and she repeated her and I heard what she said all to well. The nurse had trouble repeating the doctor, as she took a deep breath and her words slowly came out of her mouth. She said "We got Masons FISH test results back and they came back positive, Mason has Trisomy 21 or known as Down Syndrome."
           I couldn't gather my thoughts my mind was racing. Tears rolling down my face, I held Mason a little tighter to my body, looking at this little man who I loved so much already. The doctor starts talking about Down Syndrome and all the care he will need, I only understood a third of what she was saying I told her I needed a minute. The doctor and nurse turned around. Trying to get it together but I couldn't help but worry about Masons future and couldn't stop the tears. Is he going to live a long life? Are people going to look at him different? Is he going to need to be cared for all his life? Is he ever going to get married? Have kids? Is he going to have health issues that could be fatal?
          I put Mason in his Bassinet, told the nurse I  needed to call my husband. Mike was able to fly to Anchorage with Dylan, they were in a hotel across town when I was delivered this news. I called Mike. He said "Hey sweetie" there was silence. I knew he was going to love his son either way but I couldn't get my mouth to say the words. He said to me "Whats wrong?" He heard me crying. I was able to spit out the words "The results" and he said "Were they positive?" I continued to cry. He figured out the answer to his question on his own. He told me we already talked about the what ifs and we were going to love our child the same. Like always he gave me the strength to get it together. I walked back down to the NICU and continued my talk with the doctor.
           

Off to Anchorage...off to the world of the unknown....

      Kissing my husband, holding my 5 yr old tight I cried. Saying "see ya" to my boys was hard but I knew I had to be with Mason. My 5 year old (Dylan) got a chance to put a bear him and daddy bought for Mason in his incubator, and got to hold Masons hand and tell him to stay strong, and that he loved him!
      Following my 2 day old in an incubator with a nurse practitioner and 2 assistance in jump suits walking down to the ambulance was more then I could fathom. The nurse practitioner started talking to me about Masons heart defect. Heart defect?  Okay that's it I'm PISSED!  No one said anything to me about a heart defect. The nurse continued to say "He has 2 small holes in his heart, the cardiologist is going to do an echo cardiogram on Mason when we get to Anchorage."  I couldn't believe my ears. I was completely numb from head to toe hearing this for the first time.
       In the ambulance the nurse continued to talk to me about Mason but to be honest I was so upset and my mind was racing I wasn't listening to a word she said. I was thinking " Down Syndrome I can handle, but a heart defect? Is this fatal? Am I going to be flying back home alone? I need my husband!"
        Loading this small jet the nurse said "Today's your lucky day you get to sit in the princess chair."
 She called it a "Princess chair" BC there was more room, and a bigger seat. Is this a joke, oh great the nurse got jokes! I don't want to be here and could care less about a "princess chair"! She was trying to lighten the mood, but I wasn't buying it.  The plane was tiny. 2 seats in front of me and Mason on the right side in the incubator. Plane was loud and the 40 minute flight the nurse asked me a million questions that I have answered a million times. I couldn't be more annoyed at this point.
          Landed in Anchorage, got in another ambulance and headed to the hospital. I sat in the front this time and the driver said "So what brings you to Anchorage?" I wasn't interested in the small talk. I stared out the window instead of answering him. What kind of question was that anyways!? When we got to the hospital they transferred Mason to another bed. Nurses, doctors, and the people from my flight stood around Mason talking about his "condition" I stood by and watched.
           A social worker came, introduced herself and told me to follow her she was going to take me to a "mommy room" I had No idea what that was and could careless. She gave me a key, I opened the door and it looked like a college dorm. A twin size bed, an end table, an Armour with a small TV and a VHS player. I was right down the hall from Mason so I didn't care where I was staying. The nurse had told me to drop in and see Mason anytime I wanted didn't matter what time.
           The doctors weren't sure how long we were going to be in Anchorage, could be days, could be weeks was all up to how fast Mason got better.  Prayers and my husbands texts and phone calls helped me find the strength to put one foot in front of another. I felt alone in this small room, but knew I wasn't.

"What Doctor? Did you just say Down Syndrome!? "

        The nurse informed me that Mason was unable to keep his body temperature. They  put him in this bed with a heater on top to keep Mason warm. She informed me that when babies are sick, have infection or something is wrong  their temps go down instead of up. The doctor came in to talk to my husband and I. She told us they were having troubles putting an IV in Mason. They tried several different places and several times. They thought he had an infection so they were going to give him antibiotics but were unable to BC they couldn't put an IV in. She also told us that Mason not being able to keep his temp. up was concerning so they called a pediatrician from another hospital to come take a look at Mason.
        I was worried, scared, and completely clueless to what all this meant as it was COMPLETELY new to me. I was sick, in pain, hooked up to antibiotics and pain killers so I slept a lot. I woke up, looked over to where Mason was and the pediatrician had Mason in his hands. Holding him, looking him over. turned his head to one side, then the next. He realized I woke up, came and introduced himself, went back over to Mason and continued to look him over. Of course I asked him if  Mason was okay. The pediatrician continued to look him over picking up his arm,letting go and it fell to the bed. picking up his legs lifting them up, letting go and they fell to the bed also,(very floppy) he took a deep breath, and of course I have learned all to well he was about to deliver news I probably wouldn't be fond of  and he said to me " I don't know if you know about Down Syndrome but your son is showing many soft markers of it."
         Instant tears. I felt myself feeling sick. What kind of markers do you see? I asked him. He informed me that Mason had very low tone, a Palmer's crease on his left hand, his ears were very small and lower then "normal" and his eyes were almond shaped and flat above the nose he told me Mason not being able to maintain his body temp. was also another "soft marker"
         I thought back when Mike and I flew to Anchorage and got a 3D done and how CONFIDENT the ultra sound tech was that our baby was completely healthy and we had nothing to worry about. So we didn't get the Amino done which would of given us 100 percent if he did or didn't have down syndrome. I wasn't sure who to believe at this point. Mike was bringing our 5 yr old to a friends so he wasn't with me when the pediatrician was giving me his thoughts and concerns. So I text ed him and said "Get up here ASAP : (  DOWN SYNDROME"  I'm sure he wasn't fond of this text but I couldn't get my fingers to type anymore, I couldn't even think!
         Mike got to the hospital at the time the pediatrician told me they were going to take Mason to the other hospital where they had a NICU, and they were also going to test Mason for Down Syndrome. It wasn't long before they took my baby off in an ambulance, and my husband followed him in our car leaving me sick, hooked up to an IV in a hospital bed feeling helpless.
          Mike was gone for hours, and kept updating me through text messaging. They had hooked Mason up to a feeding tube, oxygen mask, IV (in his head), still in a heater bed, and hooked up to different monitors to keep tabs on everything. (oxygen level, heart beats, etc.)
        The next evening (2 days after I was admitted to the hospital) I was discharged. We went straight to the hospital where Mason was. He had to stay under the oxygen so I was unable to hold him. Was the worst feeling seeing your baby hooked up and there was nothing you could do. After standing next to him for hours, holding his little fingers, praying, and talking to him, we went home to get some rest so we could come back the next morning. Bright and early we went in, They moved him to an incubator and the first thing the nurse asked was would you like to hold him. I couldn't grab my baby fast enough to cover him in mommy kisses. After long visits we would go home, call the nurse for regular check ups and come back in. The nurses kept informing us that he was doing great. He had ways to go but he was fine. As sugar coated as it sounded I wanted to believe them.
         The next day (Monday morning) we went into visit him, we held him, asked how he was doing and the nurse once again told us he was doing good. We were getting ready to leave when the doctor came into talk to us. She told us that they had concerns and he would need to be flown to Seattle Washington. She told us that I would fly on the life light with him and we could be there for 2 or more weeks.
          Instant tears, instant anger What are they not telling us? The nurse said he was fine! Now he has to fly to Seattle? Life light? She told me we would leave in a few hours. My husband and I hurried home to pack my bags. I packed a shirt, and a couple pairs of pants in this big suit case. I couldn't even concentrate let alone pack a suitcase. Mike came in, looked at my suitcase and said I will help you, everything will be okay Stacy butt. At this point I wanted to believe him but I didn't. I sat on the bed watching my husband add shampoo, conditioner, more clothes, etc to my suitcase. We loaded it in the car, I continued to cry as I had NO idea what to expect next.
           The doctor called me and said she talked to the pediatrician and specialist in Anchorage Alaska, and in Seattle Washington and they decided BC Mason was hooked up and reliant to the oxygen and heat that it was safer to travel to Anchorage. She told me Mason and I would be leaving in 2 hours.
I have never been so scared!
     

The Big Day

Mike "I'm taking you into the emergency room!"

Me "noooo I'm in pain bc I'm uncomfortable, I'm gonna run a bath and I will be fine" 

 I realized as I was running the bath water that this could be the day. The pain got unbearable I turned the water off and screamed for Mike. He came running upstairs and I said "GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL!!!" 

Mike, Dylan and I went to the ER. At this point I couldn't even walk so Mike got a wheel chair for me. 

The nurse hooked me up to monitors, asked me a million questions then checked me. My doctor came in and told me I was dilated to 2 and needed to be at a 5 for them to admit me. The more we talked the closer my contractions got, the doctor looked at my monitor for my contractions and said let me take a look, so she checked me.(10 minutes after the nurse checked me) The doctor said your baby is ready to come out, you are at a 5. Lets get you to the delivery room. I looked at Mike like "OH SHIT THIS IS GOING TO HURT!" 

I told mike to bring our 5 yr old to our friends house. My 5 year old squealed with excitement as he knew he was going to be a big brother very soon! 

The nurse and I walked down the hall which seemed like the LONGEST hall EVER! I had to stop for several contractions.I did everything in my power to not scream in the hallway I was in so much pain. I told my nurse when we got to the room I had to go to the bathroom. She told me if I had the urge to push, DON'T push. I tried to go to the bathroom but I couldn't. I was pacing around the room waiting for my doctor.I started having this urge to push so  I screamed for my nurse and said " I HAVE TO PUSH!!!!!" 

She called the doctor in, told me to lay down. At that point Mike walked in the door. As the doctor checked me she said "Your at a 10 lets HAVE THIS BABY!!!" Sooo many emotions running through my head. My delivery was going so quickly the nurse didn't have anything ready so when I began to push she was putting an iv in my hand. The pain was so unbearable but drugs was not an option bc my baby was ready to come OUT! 

If you have delivered a baby you know this is the part where your nurse and doctor turn into cheerleaders! "Your doing GREAT." "Another big push, your doing awesome Stacy" "Don't forget to breathe, your doing excellent here's his head" 

It took 2 great big pushes and out was our baby boy in less then an hour. I held my baby and cried thinking " I DID IT, HES PERFECT!" 

10:42 am     7lbs, 15 oz 19 inches long    Lots of dark brown hair and bright blue eyes.

Journey of Mason: Our Trip to Anchorage...Amino? or no Amino? '

Journey of Mason: Our Trip to Anchorage...Amino? or no Amino? ': " Finally got our orders to go to Anchorage! Mike got to go with, What a RELIEF! Ahhh the nerves, the worries..."

Our Trip to Anchorage...Amino? or no Amino? '

       Finally got our orders to go to Anchorage! Mike got to go with, What a RELIEF!  Ahhh the nerves, the worries, sleepless nights, thoughts of all the "What ifs?" replays of the doctor appointments and what each doctor had told me. Lots of Anxiety. When I was first told about Mason possibly having down syndrome I read stuff like this Many children with Down syndrome are also born with heart, intestine, ear, or breathing problems. These health conditions often lead to other problems, such as airway (respiratory) infections or hearing loss. Alzheimer disease, seizure disorders, bone, muscle, nerve, and joint problems, mental retardation, development delay the list goes on. The last thing I was worried about was his looks. I was concerned and feared  about his health and If he would survive after having him. 

      In Anchorage sitting in the waiting room waiting,my heart was pounding, I was breaking out in red blotches,  squeezing my husbands hand, and taking deep breaths. To say the least I was freaked. My husband a little worried himself kept reassuring me that everything will be fine.

       Women and their husbands would come out to the lobby with smiles and 3D ultrasound pictures. I was trying to stay positive but had my doubts I would be walking into the waiting room the same way. 

      We were called back to a room to talk to a geneticist. We talked about if there was any health issues in our families,  We went through how many brothers and sisters we both had, if they had kids and how old, talked about our parents health, grandparents health and so on... everything was normal and healthy. 

      We continued to talk and she asked what the doctors said. Mike and I told her everything. She said Masons thickness wasn't to concerning the numbers were above average but nothing toooo alarming. Hmmm that was news to us as we have been told differently. She said normal was 6mm in the second Trimester, and under 3 in the first Trimester. Masons neck was measured in the second trimester at 19 weeks and measured 8.5 but the doctor told us they were looking for Mason to be under 3 mm. So we were told wrong by the doctor at Bassett. Not sure who to believe at this point. 

      She said by looking at the notes from the ultra sound tech she wasn't too worried about the out come of down syndrome. Feeling a little more at ease I was ready to go in and get a 3D done to look for certain signs of downs. Our doctor had a labor emergency and she had to leave for the day. UGH! Let the suspense carry on.

 So we came back the next morning, but feeling comfortable not so worried ready to get this appointment over with. I laid back got all gooped up and watched the big screen, holding my husbands hand. Listening to the doctor say big words then good at the end of her sentence I said " I don't know what those big words mean but I know what good is." lol. We continued looking and everything checked out normal. The first thing we noticed was the way he laid in my womb. He was arched almost to a upside down C and his neck was almost touching his back. The doctor pointed out right there is where they got the measurements wrong bc of the way he held his neck back. Mike and I joked about a chiropractor after he is born because he looked sooo uncomfortable. The doctor got us some good pictures to take home, and gave us a dvd of Masons ultrasound because we had to reschedule. The doctor told us a 3D doesn't confirm if he has a chromosome defect and we could still get one if we wanted to know 100 percent. Mike wasn't up for me getting an amino done from the start and I was convinced enough we had a healthy nugget that we passed on the amino. As we were walking out of the room the geneticist asked how everything went, the nurse gave me a hug out of excitement, we all celebrated. Lots of smiles coming out of the office! wooo hooooo!! 

      Lots of excitement and relief but a little anger towards the doctors back home. I got my ultrasound done at 19 weeks, and am now 29 weeks pregnant. That is 10 weeks of worries 70 DAYS of  fears, blog addiction, talking about downs, tears, sleepless nights, not enjoying my pregnancy at all bc I was scared of loss. Which I experienced the year before and just a stream of  emotions. but What can you do?

      Mike and I were prepared for the worst but hoping for the best. 

Journey of Mason: It is March 9th 2011. A month has gone by since m...

Journey of Mason: It is March 9th 2011.
A month has gone by since m...: "It is March 9th 2011. A month has gone by since my last blog. Being a military wife and getting my orders to fly to Anchorage is a process ..."

It is March 9th 2011.
A month has gone by since my last blog. Being a military wife and getting my orders to fly to Anchorage is a process aparently. Normally when I dont get a phone call when they say I am going to, I call them and call them ANNNND CALL THEM. But since my husband was in California for training I was going to wait for them to call me and not push the whole "going alone" thing bc it is important to both me and my husband for him to be there.
Yesterday I had my checkup. I told the doctor Mike was in NTC last appointment when the other doctor went over my Ultra sound findings and asked her to catch him up on everything.
 She started by asking " What is your understanding on what a thickened neck means?"  At this point I felt like I was at school as she looked at me and waited for my answer. I told her it was a major sign of down syndrome. She said I was correct. haha If she only knew the hours I spent researching Downs, reading blogs about parents who have kids with Downs and the many questions I have asked my prior doctor she would probably feel silly.
My last doctor went over the jist of everything and didnt give me a whole lot of details. She said he showed 3 major signs of Downs and she wanted me to get an amino done with in the next week or so. 
This doctor was open to all our questions, told us a few stories, went over my ultra sound results word for word, and gave us facts about Downs.  Everything she said was still very concerning but somehow I felt at ease. I didnt know if it was bc I had my husband there holding my hand and I wasnt alone, or how comforting the doctor was or if I was over the shock of hearing the possibilities and ready to face the music.
      She told us Masons thicknesss was measured at 8.5mm and normal is up to 3.0mm and pushing it but still acceptable is 3.5mm. She told us his measurements were very abnormal and concerning. She also informed us that Masons nose appears normal. Not your typical downsyndrome nose, but at the end of that sentence she said not all Down syndrome babies have a small button nose, it would be normal to have a normal nose. She told us Mason was in the lower 30 percent for his Height and Weight. He was measuring small. We have a 5 yr old and he always measured very big. Being born at 9lbs 3 oz and 21 and half inches long, so it was definately something new to hear.
       She continued to read there was no signs of Heart defects but not always can they be found so early. I asked her by looking at all the information if she was concerned about a high chance of downsyndrome. She said yes. she said the ultra sound tech who read my ultrasound is good at his job and has not been wrong. When he thinks it is down syndrome it has turned out he was right. Mike asked since the thickness of the neck was the only Major concern is there anyway that Mason could be normal. The doctor took a breath and said " no"  The measurment for the neck is so high and abnormal there is something not right.
We talked about the things the doctor in Anchorage would look at. He would look at the feet, hands, ears, eyes, heart, liver, and brain as they would show more pointing to Down syndrome. As of now Mason is small but healthy.But the heart would be looked at more in a bigger better picture. As 50 percent of Downs babies have a heart defect. The only way to be diagnosed for Downs is to have an amino done. Which is still up in the air. Mike says " umm no" and Im okay with it as I think it would help me get prepared.
We heard Masons heart, and left the doctors office. On the car ride home we talked about our conversation with the doctor. We were relieved to hear medically, so far Mason is okay and that was the only Major concern we as parents had. The doctor called Anchorage and they should be calling me to set up an appointment by tomorrow. Mike will be able to go with me and I am sooooo Thankful as he makes me feel comfort and strong.
The night before a doctors appointment and the night of, I cant ever sleep I practically live on the computer doing research, and reading blogs and praying for strength and comfort. I accept what the good lord gives me but I certainly feel the lord and I are on different pages of what I can handle. lol

Journey of Mason: Journey of Mason

Journey of Mason: Journey of Mason: " My husband is in the military and was in the field training for a week. I felt sick the last few days while he was gone, and re..."

Journey of Mason

   My husband is in the military and was in the field training for a week. I felt sick the last few days while he was gone, and realized I was behind on my period. One evening after dinner I took a pregnancy test it didn't take long to show a positive result. Tears filled my eyes with excitement and worry. A year before I had miscarried at 14 weeks and that was by far the worst thing I had went through. So of course that's where the fear came in. The excitement was I had waited yrs to get pregnant again and my  5 yr old would pray every night for a baby brother or sister.I told my 5 yr old (Dylan) he was going to be a big brother, he was sooo excited, he hugged me and we started dancing in the kitchen!
   I was to excited I couldn't wait for my husband to come home from the field so I text ed him. At first only worries, then eventually he showed excitement! He encouraged me not to announce our pregnancy until the second trimester bc while it was hard on us the year before it was hard on our families as well. I completely understood, but couldn't help but want to shout it to the world! I was hoping for the best.
We get to our 19 weeks and had an ultrasound scheduled to find the sex of our baby. Of course it brought back memories of the year before when I was looking at the ultrasound screen and the words from my nurse "there is no heartbeat, I will get your doctor to confirm your loss" came to mind.
 But I saw this baby moving around, full of color. WHEW! What a relief!The lady had told us we were having a little boy. I always wanted a girl but at this point a baby with a heartbeat was fine by me.
 I noticed our nurse kept taking several pictures of the heart, and brain. I asked her if everything was okay and she said she couldn't say. She told me she would be right back It was at that point I became worried she brought in another nurse. I asked them if everything was okay and one of them had told me some measurements were off.  I kept prying, She told me the thickness in the back of the neck was thicker then it was supposed to be and the femur bone was measuring smaller. I was clueless what this meant. So I continued to pry. She told me the specialist would take a look at my ultrasound pictures and my doctor would get a hold of me. It was very quiet and uncomfortable in the room from then on. After being in there for 2 and half hours we were done.
    Mike and I agreed we would search the Internet when we got home. We stopped to get gas and I couldn't wait. I took out my blackberry and typed in thickness on back of neck measuring thick, and femur bones measuring smaller. My screen filled up with Down syndrome information. Tears rolled down my face instantly with fears of Masons health.
Mike got in the car and looked at me and said "what is the matter" I handed him my phone told him I typed in those 2 things the nurse told us. It was a quiet car ride home.He didn't say anything. Before we even took our coats and shoes off we went straight to the computer again the screen filled up with Down Syndrome. Mike kissed me said he was going to go take a shower and he said nothing. I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, and I got a text message. It was from my husband it said " I love you, everything will be fine, and no matter what we will love him the same."
      Talking to my friends, and reading blogs everyone made me feel like I was over reacting and Mason was going to be fine. I couldn't keep my eyes off the computer as I spent hours reading blogs, looking at down syndrome pictures, and looking at medical sites for DS. I had a doctors appointment 2 weeks later, a day after my husband left for training in California. As I pulled up at the clinic I sat in my car, cried and prayed. I couldn't get my feet to move one in front of another because I knew something was wrong. Before my doctor could say her name I asked her about the ultrasound pictures. She read off my chart and said there is a note here that says you are to be seen in Anchorage and set up for an amino test Immediately. She read off 3 things that were "markers" of down syndrome. Increased nuchal translucency, shortened femur length, and Choroid plexus cysts. Instant tears, I was hoping to hear some reassurance like " these could be wrong, everything could be fine." but she didn't. no reassurance at all.
    I called my husband crying, he felt bad bc he was in California, and I had to fly to Anchorage alone with no support, all my family is in Iowa, and I was in Alaska. He talked to his sergeant told him what the doctor said and he was trying to get him to come home. Since it was only tests and Mike was getting ready to deploy to a war zone he was not granted that permission to fly home bc he needed the training. I completely understood. Although I wanted him here I also wanted him to have the training so he came home safe from Afghanistan.
We talked about the amino test there was 2 different opinions. I wanted to know so I could be prepared and if there was health issues, Mason would have to be born in Anchorage and that would be good to know in advance. Mike doesn't want me to do the test bc there was a risk of miscarriage, we were going to love Mason either way, and he doesn't want me to be alone.
This is where we are now. Mike is in California and I am waiting to get my arrangements to fly to Anchorage. I still want to do the amino (a long needle that goes under your belly button and gets amino fluid) but Mike and I agreed I would do a 4D ultrasound first, if it was still questionable i would sit down and talk to the doctor and decide whats best. I'm still not sure what I am going to do.