A year ago...

      Mason's due date was June 13th I remember because that was the day Mason got released from the NICU in Anchorage Alaska. 10 days after he was born. I have never been in a NICU so it was a real eye opener for me. Looking around there were these babies probably not even a 2 pounds so tiny, fragile with parents who couldn't hold them near by. I remember holding, and looking down at my almost 8 pound baby boy reminding myself I was lucky to be able to hold him. Compared to the other babies Mason looked like a healthy chunk and I felt we should of been put in a seperate room.
      I hated Mason being in the NICU but talking to nurses, doctors, and other parents I realized I was being rather selfish as some babies are there for MONTHS and some parents go home with no baby at all. When Mason and I first arrived to Anchorage Alaska in a private jet not knowing how long we were going to be in the hospital or what the future held I was scared and felt as if I was going through the motions knowing I had no control what was going to happen.
      One day when I was in the NICU there were nurses and doctors behind me one nurse said "We are going to crowd you for a second, we are waiting for a baby to be born."  I continued to watch the doctors put face masks, and gloves on and talking to one another in a serious tone. Just then the wall with a wooden panel behind me opened, the doctor handed off a baby fresh from the womb the doctor who received the baby had a towel was cleaning the baby off, and running in a  panic to the other end of the room, the baby was not crying.  The panel leading to the surgery room was cracked a little, looking behind me I saw the baby's mom on the table who just gave birth not knowing that when the baby was passed from one doctor to the next the baby did not take a breath. I held Mason a little tighter while my heart was breaking for this mom who was soon to find out the news. I lost a baby a year before having Mason and will never forget being told "there is no heart beat I will get the doctor to confirm your loss."
      The day I put Mason in his carseat, said goodbye to all the doctors, and nurses was like giving birth and holding my baby for the first time, it brought overwhelming joy and happiness.  I knew the adventure wasnt over but that door was finally closed!

One step forward... two steps back

      Doctor appointments are always the same. Butterflies the morning of, prayers in the parking lot in my car, the long walk down the hall to the pediatrics, Masons name being hollered in the lobby and lots of questions. The other day was an odd day Masons usual nurse wasn't with us. When that happens its like starting over to square one. She checks his height and weight and says " are you concerned with his growth at all?" I then have to inform her "No he was born with Down syndrome." Then it gets quiet till we get to the room. She then starts asking me...
Can Mason do the following?
Stand alone?
walk?
drink from a cup?
marks on a paper with a crayon?
walks backward?
"preforms" for an audience?
hands a toy or object to a parent?
say 3-6 words?
point to body parts when named off?
It never fails how emotional those questions can get,knots in my throat and a little taste of reality. As Mike and I are thrilled he is crawling, feeding himself, sits alone it doesn't seem to matter in the pediatric clinic. I asked the nurse if those questions are reasonable to be asking for a child with delays? She told me it was standard. Then the room once again was silent. She then pulled up the growth chart of all kids that were born the same day as Mason and his growth wasn't on the chart. He is much smaller then the "average" Again I feel as if it is a waste of time. I told her there are charts for kids with Down syndrome and I don't understand why we cant look at those charts. She said "they don't have Down Syndrome charts in their computer"
      Masons sweet doctor then comes in the room with the nurse. The nurse was holding 2 sheets of paper and the doctor said "Show Mrs. Killion" I grab the papers and Masons doctor said "He is a CHUNK" The papers I was looking at was the charts for kids born with Down Syndrome. Mason is in the 99% for weight and 27th% for height. Mason weighs 20 lbs 1oz and is 27.5in.
       I smiled. I felt a little bad for being rude to the nurse but I also felt being asked those questions and looking at charts that don't pertain to Mason seemed pointless and unnecessary. After a long appointment Mason's doctor informed us he is moving to New York and going to be a civilian doctor. He will be greatly missed for many reasons.

To move? not to move?

      This afternoon Mason had a doctors appointment. A 12 month checkup, shots, and to discuss Masons ENT appointment he had a few weeks ago. We talked about his  ENT (ear nose and throat) visit. Discussing that his ENT didn't see the benefits in removing tonsils and Adenoids BC most of his sleep apnea was Central Apnea. Masons doctor said when the army placed us in Colorado they were looking at the great medical facilities but should not of placed us in a high altitude area. The elevation is about 6,023. Up to 40% of people have central apnea that live in a high altitude. He strongly suggested moving. He said with a baby as young as Mason we could get approved for a compassionate reassignment and the sleep apnea could no longer be a problem for Mason. Its a gamble. Babies who have down syndrome are at high risk for Sleep apnea anyways. So is it the high altitude? or down syndrome?
      I walk in the door to my house and Mike is standing there waiting to hear what the doctor said. I told him he highly suggests moving out of a high altitude area, it could make a huge difference if not be the solution to Masons sleep apnea. He sighed because we moved here just 8 months ago. As we continued to weigh out the goods and bad we see more negative then positive as a family. But then we weigh out Masons positives and negatives and there are far more positive then negative. We have been through this predicament just one year ago and moved for Mason. After talking to my husband we both want whats best for Mason so if moving is what we have to do then that's what we will look into. We will gamble on what is causing Masons apnea but not a gamble on Masons well being or life.
   

Where does the strength come from??

      I have been asked so many times where my strength comes from. People I hardly know have come to me, told me a personal story of what they are going through ending their story with a question. Where do you find your strength? I have had several people tell me they look up to me, admire me, and idol me for all I do.
      I am beyond flattered, but the truth is I have weaknesses, I cry, I get stressed, I worry everyday but I have this child that is worth every tear, every worry. I have learned things aren't easy for Mason or being Masons parent. Also learned things could be so much worst and I have to be thankful and enjoy every small mile stone.            
      I have a husband that works so I can stay home with my kids, take Mason to his appointments and have several therapy sessions to work with him. For that I am thankful and remind my husband how thankful I am for his hard work and support most definitely couldn't do it without him. Every person has an idol, if it is a superstar who came from nothing, a relative, a friend or a stranger. I have several idols,a huge support system and an amazing lord.
      One thing Dylan is not allowed to say is "I CAN'T" I feel if I can put in his little head at a young age he will remember he CAN do all things. Things might not always be easy, but there is always a way.  If one of his friends say " I cant do it" then he will tell on them and say his friend said a cuss word. ha ha.
      So for those who read my blogs, see my journey, and see I overcome obstacles just know you can too. Stay positive, find a support system and don't give up.



"I can do anything in him who gives me strength" 

Mason's first Birthday

Before his haircut...

Both of my boys were blessed with lots of hair, some how Mike and I decided to let the boy's hair grow till their first birthday and give them their big boy haircuts. They go to a kid salon sit in a race car, watch cartoons, and get first haircut memorabilia. The morning of Masons birthday we took a friend/photographer with us and got Masons haircut so we could capture the big moment. Mason was less then amused. He started off calm we put him in a race car the lady started to get a little rough with him he was not impressed. I held him through the last of the haircut trying to keep him calm. When the haircut was done with he reached for dad. Ha Ha dad loved that.

During his haircut

After his haircut snugglin with dad...

When I was pregnant with Dylan I had a theme picked out. Everything was Winnie the Pooh. Baby shower, bedroom theme, first birthday, car seat, strollers, clothes...ect. But for Mason with all the medical, and moving from Alaska to Colorado a theme didn't seem to matter. So for a birthday party it seemed quite difficult to figure out for decorations. I came to the conclusion it was less about a theme or a color for a party and more about the celebration of this beautiful baby's first birthday. I decided to go with Thomas the Train cake because it seemed to be our theme for the year

 "I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN" 

I bought Mason a smash cake so he could dig in and get as messy as he wanted. I have read about kids who have downs not being able to eat their first cake, having to put it in a blender, or not wanting it. Masons eating hasn't been a problem and he eats all kinds of food so I didn't have my doubts he wasn't going to destroy this cake. As we sat the cake in front of him he didn't care about it as much as he cared about a room full of people looking at him to eat his cake.

Dad stuck his finger in his cake to get him started. He was unsure at first.

but its safe to say... HE FIGURED IT OUT. He loved it.

After cake we took a brief break to clean him up then started opening presents.  His friends bought him toys and cheetos (his favorite) but he only cared about the tissue paper and wrapping paper.

  

I was talking to his therapist about presents and what she would suggest  would help Mason. I told everyone that was coming to the party anything that was cause and effect, vibrates, or has texture would be beneficial toys. He had great gifts.
 Everyday we try to go for a walk and Mason is lounged in his stroller not working a single muscle, sooooo I saw this first trike that had a harness for support, plastic around him, handles to grab onto and a place to put his feet I WAS SOLD. He works his core, holds his head, basically works all muscles in his body but has fun. He loves it.

Now my baby is one. This morning I went in his room like any other morning and looked at him smiling up at me with his short hair and big brown eyes. I couldn't love this boy anymore. 

       Along with the first haircut Mike and I decided we ditch the bottles the day after their first birthday. After the age of one they get used to having them and they become a habit they aren't necessary. So several months ago I started introducing him to sippy cups (not the ones that are soft  like a nipple on a bottle, kinda defeats the purpose of switching) and big boy cups to prepare him for losing his bottle.

       I had a lady message me and asked if I was pushing Mason to hard and I have to say no I'm not. I am doing everything the same way as I did his older brother and if his doctor tells me there is a medical reason of not being able to push him then I wont but until then I look at this little boy wanting to learn and not his disability giving him a reason not to. The bottles are packed up and he has his cups now. He does great and I am so proud of him.

Mason is one!!!! He has two teeth and several more trying to come through, he can sit on his own with no support, and can crawl (well his style of a crawl) but manages to get around my entire house. We are working on sign language and talking but hasn't done or said anything just yet. I am looking into a speech therapist at a clinic to push it a little more. Mason LOVES music, his brother, and the chipmunk movie. His favorite thing to eat is Cheetos, and pudding. He loves to swim, go for walks, swing, and be rocked. 

Mason has come a long way and I couldn't be more proud! Thanks for all the support!

My baby is ONE

            Happy Birthday My Sweet Angel

      Looking back this past year I can't say it was all lollipops and rainbows. It has been the most challenging and biggest roller coaster I have been on in my life.I have learned I am stronger then I give myself credit for, I have learned there are heartless people in the world, I have learned to appreciate the little things and I have learned what unconditional love is.
       This past year I have learned what scary was. When your baby is a couple days old unable to do anything on his own, When your alone in a NICU family far away, praying nonstop at your babies bedside. Scary is being given this sweet baby who needs good doctors, great therapists, good teachers and your the one going to make that happen.
      Being 20 minutes early for appointments, packing weeks in advance for vacation that would be me. However planning for Masons birthday party there wasn't anything punctual or advanced about it. I find myself hesitant just like when I found out Mason could have Down syndrome, I didn't buy anything for him, or his room till the last minute. I wasn't excited about preparing for a baby because I had major doubts there would be a baby.
       When I went to the store to purchase Masons first birthday cake an employee asked how he could help me, I got knots in my throat, I slid my sunglasses over my eyes as they filled up with tears and ordered his cake. As I look back this past year I feel more exhilarated, relieved, sad, appreciative and happy. A little sad because this year was full of moving, finding good doctors, therapists,and answers to medical problems and learning. Relived because things could be SO much worse. Appreciative because I have found great doctors, therapist, and a great support system. And happy because I have this beautiful baby who I would do anything for.

I just want to give a shout out to a few people
Lori Beckwith, Krystina Arrowood, Janie Fields, Susan Gyaben, Jen Carter, Alaska FRG, Beth Fry, Tina, Fred and Mary Burns, Karen Burns, Pam Mellinger,Johnny Fields, Katy Goers,my blog followers, Tammy Shivers, Luke Kruger, Marijo, Kathrine Shaw, Renee Wright, Kathy McCalister,Sherri Woodburn, Lacey Holk, Sienna Babcock, last but not least my husband. (probably forgot several and I apologize)

Thank you to all of you have been there in some way...if it was watching Dylan while Mike and I were at the hospital with Mason, A shoulder to cry on,gifts, throwing a baby shower, the phone calls, txts, fb messages to cheer me on and to let me know you care, the people who visited me at the hospital when I was sick, the man who made things easier at work for my soldier, the cards, the letters, or just being a friend to me and my family! THANK YOU!!!!! I appreciate and love all of you! xoxo