Looking back...

Staying at the hospital the other night when Mason was getting his sleep study done reminded me of when I was in the hospital very very very sick just 3 weeks after Mason was born. After I delivered Mason there was so many emotions. Finding out that Mason indeed could have downs, and your usual ups and downs after giving birth.  The excitement, the exhaustion, the fears, the instant worries,over joyed, amazed and being overwhelmed.

After giving birth I had a friend come and visit me. I was still in alot of pain. My friend was holding Mason and ooo n and awww n over his preciousness when I started crying, screaming for the nurse. I pushed the nurse button and the nurse came in I told her I needed my doctor right away I was in ALOT of pain I felt like I was about to give birth again. And this was AFTER the after birth was taken care of. The nurse was taking too long so I pushed the nurse button once again. The nurse came back in at this point I was having contractions, breathing heavy and crying hysterically. The nurse ran out of the room to get my doctor. Still taking waaaay to long. I yelled at my friend (sorry about that by the way. lol) to go get my doctor. While all of this was going on Mike was SOUND asleep in the corner of the room on a chair. My friend ran and got the doctor. The doctor FINALLY came in and said "Do you feel like your going into labor again?" 

I just screamed. She said I had some blood clots I needed to give birth to. So i was indeed having contractions. My friend took Dylan out of the room, Mike woke up came over to hold my hand he had NO idea what was going on. The doctor reached her hand up while pushing down on my stomach with the other hand at the same time. It hurt SO bad I would of rather gave birth 10 more times. It hurt THAT bad. After some pushing and her pushing my stomach down and grabbing she pulled out a HUGE blood clot that took both hands to carry it. I was STILL feeling like I needed to give birth so she said "I don't think this was the only one." She reached BACK in grabbing yet another huge one. I was squeezing Mikes hand so hard and after he saw the blood clots he was feeling a little sick I thought he was going to pass out. After pulling out 4 huge blood clots she was done.

It took me a while to calm down after I realized the only reason I had those blood clots was because the nurse wasn't doing her job coming in and pushing on my stomach to get that access blood out every 15-30 minutes. I was in ALOT of pain and outraged. 

Later that night I had gotten a fever which resulted in me staying an extra day at the hospital. Through this extra stay Mason was whisked away to a hospital across town and Mike was going back and forth from my hospital to Masons. Dylan was staying with a friend. My doctor told me I had to be able to get out of bed (I was still in alot of pain) and be able to go to the bathroom before she could think about releasing me from the hospital. I put on my game face because my focus was being where my baby was. I walked around the hospital (bent over because I couldn't stand straight) and lied about being able to go to the bathroom. The doctor was not convinced she said she thinks it would be better for me to stay another night. I cried and said "If I refuse to stay another day?" She said there's nothing she could do. I told her (while crying) I was feeling better I needed to get to where my baby was. Mike of course was trying to convince me to stay because he knew I wasnt okay. But I am a stubborn one especially when it comes to being with my kids. I then left the hospital (looking back it was a very stupid move but at the time I had to be with Mason) 

I spent time in the NICU with Mason then went home laying in my bed still not being able to stand straight, and vomiting. The next day Mason and I was on a small jet taking off to Anchorage where he needed to be. I was set up in a mommy and me room. Through the 10 days of Mason being in the NICU I was in so much pain, an emotional mess. 

I remember going to the cafeteria to get a drink (because I wasn't eating any food through this 10 days) I sat at the table started bawling. I was alone at the time Mike was trying to get to Anchorage and my family was far away. I folded my hands and said a prayer 

"Lord please take care of my baby, give him strength, lord please continue to be with me and give me strength, please be with Mike and Dylan as they are on their flight to get here and give Mike strength as he is the one keeping things together. Im scared and I know you are with me  Im following your lead lord."  I laid my head on the table trying to take deep breaths so I could walk back through the hospital back to where Mason was. 

Mason was released from the NICU, we flew back to Fairbanks. My sister in law and Mother in law both met us in Fairbanks that evening. (one coming from California and the other from Iowa) I was definately feeling overwhelmed. At this time we knew Mason did have downs and I was feeling sicker by the day. After a couple weeks my family left. I told Mike I couldnt take the pain anymore  I was  feeling light headed, dizzy and like I was going to pass out. He took me to the ER. I stayed a couple nights at the hospital being put on medicine and IVs because they suspected me having an infection. They released me after 48 hours. 

I was told  if I got a fever I had to come back. It was just a few short hours I had a fever. Back to the ER I went. The doctor told me they needed to keep me longer to run tests to see what was going on. It was that moment I had my first panic attack. I had to be taken away from my family, my newborn baby, a 5 year old I have only been away from a hand full of times and relying on my husband to take care of my kids when I was always the one to do so. I needed to be with my family. The doctor told me it has been more then a month and If I did have an infection I could be in serious trouble. They gave me some good drugs to calm me down. I had an MRI done which determined I had a large amount of infection. I had to have an emergency surgery. After the surgery I had to have another MRI done which showed I had a kidney infection in result of my other infection causing one of the kidneys not to function. Needing ANOTHER surgery. Being put completely down again, on oxygen and away from my family I was scared, and completely numb. 

10 days, 2 surgeries, pain killer after pain killer, ALOT of Morphine, more tears then I have cried in my entire life, antidepressants, Xanax, fluids, alot of needles, 50lbs lighter and alot of prayer I was feeling better and was released from the hospital. As of today I am no longer on anti depressants or Xanax but at the time I felt I had no control of my life and needed that extra boost. 

 The lesson I learned was to take care of myself, I was deathly ill  because the infection had started to spread in my blood stream. I cant say I would of done things differently but If I was ever put in that place again I would really think things through. ha ha. 

Through the surgeries there was damage done leaving a high risk of not being able to have another baby, and at great risk of miscarriage or tubal pregnancies. 

Through my blogging I chose not to blog about this time because it was the most challenging, and emotional time of my life. Now I look back and realize how much I have went through and how strong I am to this day because of this journey.