Our story...
Getting ready in the morning I was nervous, scared and not excited one bit which was odd because I was 14 weeks pregnant and getting ready for a doctor appointment. A close friend and I decided to make a day of it to go shopping, out for lunch just the two of us. When I kissed my husband before we left I said "something is off." He told me everything will be fine, I love you, have a good time he said. My doctor appointment was 45 minutes from where we lived and on the way there I had butterflies, and felt sick. I kept telling me friend "ahhh I'm so nervous" I wasn't sure why I was having these feelings this wasn't my first pregnancy. The closer we got to the clinic the more I felt sick.
Sitting in the lobby taking deep breaths I heard "Stacy Killion?" well that's my name...here we go I thought. The nurse wanted to get my height, weight, and vitals. I informed her I was VERY nervous. She checked my temperature and I had a fever she could tell I was worked up. She gave me a glass of water and had me sit for a few minutes to calm down. I had NO idea what was going on with my body.Later the doctor came in and said "how are you feeling?" I told her I was a wreck! She laid me back and wanted to hear the baby's heart beat. She moved the Doppler around and we weren't getting a heart beat, she pushed harder and harder on my stomach saying "sometimes it takes a minute" A tear rolled down my face, and I looked at my friend. I knew something wasn't right. She continued to push (which was sore), I laid my head back, closed my eyes and imagined the baby's heartbeat saying softly "come on, come on" but still no heartbeat. I had to do a vaginal ultrasound. Waiting for a ultrasound tech to call my name the doctor sat by me and was trying to keep my spirits up. Trying to stay positive.
"Stacy Killion?" well there's my name again...here we go. I walked into a room, slipped on a gown and laid down. I looked up at a flat screen tv that had my ultrasound on it and saw this little baby, a little body just laying there. I quickly noticed the baby wasn't moving and there was no heart beat. I said "How come there's no heart beat?" hoping the machine was broken. The tech said "because there isn't one. I'm sorry I will get your doctor to confirm your loss."
My friend came over to me not saying a word and wrapped her arms around me. I sobbed. In my mind I was instantly thinking "what did I do wrong?" "How does this happen?" "How am I going to tell my husband I lost our baby?"
The doctor came in and confirmed I miscarried Hearing those words were gut wrenching. I couldn't pull myself together. I eventually got myself up and was ready to talk to the doctor. She hugged me and said "I am so sorry" We sat down and she handed me a folder full of information about miscarriages, how to cope, and support groups. I couldn't believe what I was reading, an hour ago I thought I was having a baby and here I was talking about how to remove my baby that I lost. As she was talking I was thinking about the moment my test results came back positive and how excited I was to have another baby. In a blink of an eye that excitement was over and I was deciding if I wanted to have my baby naturally in my own home or have a DNC (surgery)
The doctor told me most woman who miscarry choose to have their baby on their own time and let their bodies do what they were made to do. I COULDN'T even wrap my head around how I would cope with that. Surgery was the only way for me. We scheduled the surgery first thing in the morning because I didn't want to risk having the baby naturally.
After long talks, and many tears my friend and I left the hospital. I was given doctors orders not to drive because I was still an emotional wreck. I texted my husband and said " I lost our baby...miscarried :(" If I would of called him he wouldn't of understood me, I don't even think I could of gotten my mouth to say the words. On our way home I looked down at my stomach which appeared to look pregnant but knew I wasn't.
When I got home to my husband there were no words, he held me tight. I don't think he knew what to say. To make me feel better he said "We can try again." I knew he was trying to butter me up but I had already made up my mind there will be no more babies, I was never going to get pregnant again.
After a sleepless night we drove to the hospital. I put a gown on, the nurse gave me an IV, and took some blood. As we were talking I found out my nurse used to go to my church she wanted to share a story with me about a woman who had lost her son who was a few years old to a horse accident. Every year they do something in his memory to celebrate his life. She had a miscarriage and it was harder for her to cope with then losing her son she had known and raised. She felt alone and when she lost her son she wasn't alone she had a lot of family and friends by her side. The nurse told me that was an eye opener for her because there was a baby she never met and a son she had raised and the baby was harder to cope with losing.
We had the Chaplin come in and say a prayer before my surgery. As I was being rolled down the hall in the bed I cried knowing that when I woke up there would be no baby.I was knocked out less then ten minutes later. Woke up with my husband next to me holding my hand. I thought after the baby was removed I could move on and it would be easier but the pain didn't go away. We had to stay in the hospital an hour after surgery then I was free to leave. As we were leaving the nurse gave me this little circle (looked like a ring) that was on a poem that said this...
You were my little bean,
that was created in my womb.
I laid in bed at night excited,
and now I'm full of gloom.
I never understood how much
you could miss someone you never met.
And now my heart aches so bad,
that it fills me with regret.
Was there something I did wrong?
How could this come to be?
Your little face, your hands, your feet,
is something I'll never see.
I loved you oh so much,
its something that cannot be explained.
Now these feelings of anger and jealousy,
make me feel ashamed.
You are my angel baby,
and that I know is true.
God is holding you now,
and listening to you cue.
You are in Heaven looking down,
watching mommy cry.
I wish you were here,
but then I know that this is not goodbye.
that was created in my womb.
I laid in bed at night excited,
and now I'm full of gloom.
I never understood how much
you could miss someone you never met.
And now my heart aches so bad,
that it fills me with regret.
Was there something I did wrong?
How could this come to be?
Your little face, your hands, your feet,
is something I'll never see.
I loved you oh so much,
its something that cannot be explained.
Now these feelings of anger and jealousy,
make me feel ashamed.
You are my angel baby,
and that I know is true.
God is holding you now,
and listening to you cue.
You are in Heaven looking down,
watching mommy cry.
I wish you were here,
but then I know that this is not goodbye.
On the way home Mike stopped at Walmart said " I will be right back" When he got back in the car he pulled out a necklace chain, he took off this little ring the nurse gave me and put it on the chain. He put the chain around my neck and said "This will be in memory of our baby." 3 years later I still wear that necklace and think of our sweet little angel.
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